Latent Feelings
by Alcoholics Sunshine Dream
Summary: Ever made a very big mistake that has gone on to ruin the rest of your life?
1. Messed Up Before The Beginning

This is the first fan fic that I've written. More worrying; this chapter is longer than anything that I ever wrote for my GCSEs or A-levels! So anyway, if you think this is awful could you try to put it nicely.

Rating: R (I haven't got a clue how the ratings work; but it's definitely closer to R than PG)

Disclaimer: Characters; settings and the whole magic thing belong to JK Rowling. The events and dialogue belong to me.

A/N: This isn't the stories official ship in this chapter; it's more of a prologue.

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Latent Feelings

I was surprised that I even got served. I certainly didn't think I looked eighteen; but then I'm a witch so maybe that helped or they just wanted the business. I don't really know why I wanted to drink alcohol; but it seemed like something I had to try before I returned to Hogwarts. Unfortunately it turned out to be a mistake. I drank far too much; I couldn't think straight and I definitely couldn't walk straight.

I soon ran out of muggle money and I was starting to feel a bit ill. I should've probably stopped drinking then but I felt like I needed the alcohol. I was sure that was the one thing that completed me; and as people were offering me drinks it would have been rude to turn them down.

I felt strong; I felt as though nobody could have beaten me. I was top of the world and in control of everything. I think I was dancing or something as suddenly I fell over and brought three chairs down with me.

"Oops," I giggled; as I started trying to haul myself up.

"She's pissed," somebody said.

"What? No. The floor's slippery." I felt the need to protect myself. I was still trying to pull myself up. It was proving trickier than expected. I held on to some railings and used them to pull myself up.

"Why don't you go outside love. Get some fresh air." I don't know who said it but my mind was swirling. It seemed like a good idea so I half walked, half stumbled out of the pub. I sat on a low wall feeling sorry for myself.

I heard footsteps approaching so I looked up. There was a blurry figure stood in front of me.

"What do you want?" I barked; still trying to focus on the person before me.

"I might ask you the same thing," the figure drawled. I recognised the voice and I started racking my brain. This was no easy task as my mind was so foggy, but it slowly dawned on me. 'Shit,' I thought to myself, 'Draco Malfoy.' I felt my cockiness come back and I didn't want to appear drunk. I jumped up and tried to think of something clever to say.

"So what are you doing here?" It wasn't a witty comment, but it was too late to change it now.

"Just out taking a walk. Getting some fresh air. Thought I might see someone I know. Seems like I got lucky." He looked at strangely and it was started to make me feel uncomfortable. I started shuffling my feet but instead of reassuring me; I managed to fall into a wall.

"Steady there," Draco said. He put his hands on his shoulders and leaned in as if to kiss me. Even though I was shocked, I managed to dodge back; but he still had hold of my shoulders. "Come back to mine."

Now I was confused. Did he remember who I was? Maybe he was drunk. I looked up at him; his eyes looked blank and empty. I'd never got this close before though so maybe they were always like that. His forehead was sweating; was that a sign that someone had been drinking?

"Come back with me;" he repeated. I shook my head and said, "No; I can't."

"Why not," he asked. I wasn't sure. I knew that all he wanted was sex. I'd never slept with anyone before and I didn't want him to him to be my first time. On the other hand though, if I didn't do this now then I might not ever get another chance.

He leant in to kiss me again. This time I didn't resist; I didn't have the energy left. I didn't enjoy it; I just let my mind wander. I tried to count how many units I'd had; but I didn't really know what a unit was, so I just tried to remember how many drinks I'd had. Then Draco pulled away.

"So; you're coming back to mine then?" I hesitated. I still didn't want to go but I'd led him on now. It would look bad if I said no. I decided to try and put him off instead; that way he wouldn't be offended and we could all go home happy.

"Nah; you don't want me."

"Sure I do babe."

"What, but I'm ugly. The girls in there are much prettier."

"Its okay, you're fine," and then he started kissing me again. Now I really couldn't say no without looking like a tease. He'd tell everyone and I would get a bad reputation. "My taxi will be here soon. Why don't we sit on the wall while we wait?"

I stumbled over to the wall with him. I knew it was a bad idea but I couldn't think of a way to get out of it. I sat next to him and he put his hand between my legs and started rubbing the inside of my thigh. It didn't feel nice. If anything it felt sleazy; but then what was I expecting?

It didn't take long for the taxi to arrive. I climbed into the backseat. I was starting to feel really tired so I closed my eyes and fell into some kind of semi-conscious state. I could still feel Draco caressing my leg and I knew that he was muttering stuff under his breath to me but I didn't know what. We arrived at his house quicker than I thought we would; maybe it was a magic taxi. I doubted that Draco actually lived near me or I would have seen him about more often.

I clambered out of the taxi. It had driven all the way up the driveway and stopped right outside the large, daunting front doors. They were even bigger than the doors at Hogwarts and I wondered how we'd be able to open them. Maybe we wouldn't and then I could go home without anything happening. This hope was short-lived though; as Draco started to lead me around the side of the Manor to a small side door. Once we were through the door we went up a couple of flights of stairs.

We went into a bedroom; I don't know if it was his or not. He told me to get ready and then he left the room. I took off my coat, jumper and shoes and then I laid down on the bed. I closed my eyes and started to doze off. When I opened them again Draco was back again, except now he was naked. He got on the bed next to me and started kissing me.

He coaxed off my jeans and underwear. He started feeling me. I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I closed my eyes and tried to block it out, hoping for it to stop.

When I opened my eyes again he was on top of me; pushing into me. I wondered when that happened and if I'd been asleep. I wished that it would stop. It hurt so much and I didn't think I could bear the pain for much longer.

Eventually he got off me and started kissing me again. He put his hand down to start feeling me again; but this time it hurt so much that I thought I might cry with the pain if he continued. I pushed his hand away.

"Aww; go on babe. It'll be fine."

"No; it hurts too much."

"No it won't. I'll be gentle."

"Just stop it. It hurts," I was almost wailing by this time, but at least he stopped trying. He carried on kissing me but I just wanted to get out of there. I pushed him away and got up.

"What you doing babe," Draco asked me. I started putting my clothes back on.

"I've got to go now," I replied. I was dressed now.

"No; stay the night." He pulled me down on to bed and started kissing me again. I still felt drunk and started kissing him back; but then his hand started creeping down my trousers again. I came to my senses and pushed him away again.

"No. My mum will worry where I am." I picked up my bag and left the room. Once I was out on the landing I started heading for the stairs but they didn't seem to be there. Draco stepped out of the room. He had pulled on a pair of trousers and also looked slightly amused.

"The stairs are that way," he said pointing in the other direction from the way I'd gone. I headed that way. Draco walked me down the stairs and back to the side door; presumably to check I didn't get lost again.

I walked out his house and carried on walking until I got to the end of the driveway. I looked up and down the road and realised I didn't have a clue where I was or the way home. I started to head down the road in the hope that I might get lucky and see a road sign. Hopefully I lived within walking distance.

After a few minutes walking I remembered that although I had run out of muggle money, I still had some proper money on me. I called the knight bus and I got home within a few minutes.

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So that's the end of the first chapter. If you've got this far then you might as well review it. If you're going to say something nasty then please give a reason why. Thank you.

Alcoholics Sunshine Dream.


	2. Immediate Consequences

Come on; I want more reviews this time so I know what's right and what's wrong.

Rating: R (Well the first chapter was; this one isn't)

Disclaimer: Same as before; majority of it goes to JK Rowling; events and dialogue belong to me.

I will start with a thank you to my one reviewer Laicamiel

Thank you for your review. You're wrong about Hermione; but you'll find out by the end of this chapter. But now I'm just worried about the fact I can write drunkenness so well!!!

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Chapter 2: Immediate Consequences.

I woke up with a really heavy feeling in my stomach. I groaned as I started to roll over. I was in a lot of pain and it took a long time to dawn on me what had happened. My head was still buzzing but with pain; not the light headiness of the night before but a heavy throbbing. I tried to close my eyes; go back to sleep; drown out the pain and the memories. However the feeling of sickness was rising and I desperately needed the toilet. I considered just staying in bed; except thinking about needing the toilet just made the need for it worse.

I eventually dragged myself out of bed and stood up. My head started spinning but now it felt like my brain was banging against my skull; and each time it did the pain shot through me. I stumbled out my room and into the bathroom. I threw up once and then I went to the toilet; as I did the pain seared through me. It felt as if one thousand wasps were stinging me and it brought tears to my eyes. There was blood.

I staggered back to bed and tried to catch up on some more sleep. This didn't last for long, as I soon felt the bile start to rise in my throat again. After two more visits to the toilet I decided I couldn't go back to bed again. Apart from the discomfort of continuously getting back up again, I was worried Mum might hear me and get suspicious.

I went downstairs. My mouth felt furry so I got myself a glass of water. Unfortunately this only served to make my tummy feel swirlier and it wasn't long before I had to rush to the toilet again.

I went back through to the kitchen to get myself another drink. I heard noises from up stairs and I looked up at the clock. It was starting to get late and people would be coming down soon. I didn't want anyone to see me in the state that I was in so I sloped through to the downstairs toilet. I sat on the floor and leant my forehead against the wall. I felt so low and alone. The despair finally got to me and the tears rolled down my cheeks.

With my eyes closed; I had flashbacks of the night before. I could see Draco's distracted face. He had never looked me in the eyes. Whenever I had been alert enough to focus on him his eyes had been blank and staring at a point just above my shoulder. The night before had been meaningless to him.

I had never thought of Draco as attractive; much less fancied him. Some girls in my year did, but I didn't see what they did. After the night before, I now thought even less of him. He was quite short; only an inch or two taller than me. Without his clothes he looked quite paunch. He had sweated a lot and had felt quite sticky. His hair was greasy; stuck together in clumps. He had a vacant quality to him. His voice hadn't been husky; just kind of sleazy and desperate.

I felt like a little girl sat in the toilet. I didn't feel grown up at all. Just bruised and violated. I didn't know what to do. I was just helpless and miserable. I couldn't report him to the police; I had agreed to everything he did. I hadn't been in the right state of mind to make any decisions but I had and they had been the wrong ones. I was sixteen now so I couldn't even get him for being a paedophile or whatever it is.

The tears falling down my cheeks eased the pain a bit. It was as if I was crying Draco and all of the memories out of my system. I knew that the thing that would really make me feel better would be talking to Mum. She could tell me that I was just being silly; that the pain would fade sooner than I thought; that I'd find nicer boys and that it was all just one big mistake. She would discuss contraception with me; offer to get the morning after pill and a pregnancy test for me; book me into be tested for diseases.

But it wouldn't happen like that would it? No; she would go ballistic. She would yell at me for being a stupid little girl with no pride. I could've gotten myself pregnant or anything really. She would shout so loud that the whole household would hear and the worse thing would be the disappointment. I could already see the look in her eyes. It would say 'I thought I brought you up better than that.' It would tell me that she no longer respected me. No. No; I could not tell Mum; for her sake as much as mine.

I had finished crying. Probably no water left in me. I knew I had to come out the bathroom soon as I had heard my brother asking where I was. Something about evening up the quidditch teams. I looked in the mirror; my eyes were puffy and my cheeks stained. I washed my face in the small basin and although I still felt sick and looked awfully pale I was ready to face my family.

"Oi; get dressed you're playing quidditch today" Ron called out. Then he looked at me and a look of shock passed over his face. I was suddenly very scared; could he tell just by looking at me. "Hey; are you alright. You look really pale maybe you go back to bed."

"Nah; it's alright;" I must have looked bad if even my brother was concerned but at least he didn't know what had happened the night before. Just the thought of Ron's reaction frightened me. He hated Draco at the best of times; he would kill him if he knew. Suddenly I wanted to tell him; get my own back on Draco but however tempting this seemed, I knew there would be consequences. "I'll be okay; I'll just watch you play."

I thought that the fresh air would make me feel better but Mum had just walked in and she had other ideas for me.

"Oh no you don't; you look awful. Did you get any sleep last night? I didn't hear you come in. I was getting worried. Anyway you're not going out like that. If you don't want to go to bed then you can lay on the settee. I'll open a window for you. What you need is chicken soup and a nice cup of tea."

I wanted to argue but when I thought about it sounded alright. Mum just thought I was ill and wanted to look after me and I really did want the soup and tea. Chicken soup cures colds so it could cure the sick feeling and the headache and tea cures everything else.

I stayed on the sofa for most the day. By the end of the day I felt better physically and I had also been comforted by the attention and constant supply of tea. The next day would be back to Hogwarts. I would be starting my NEWTs. I wondered what else the year ahead would hold. I thought about boys; the ones in my year were idiots. Definitely not Draco; I'd learnt by experience. I was over Harry; but I probably wouldn't say no if he asked. After some thought I decided that Neville was quite cute; and he seemed sweet. I didn't want a Ravenclaw, too know-it-all; or a Slytherin, too 'Lets kill mudbloods.' I wouldn't mind a Hufflepuff but I couldn't think of any good ones.

Evening turned to night and I started feeling drowsy. I went off to bed quite early as I was feeling tired. Lack of sleep and emotional fatigue had done that to me. As I climbed into bed I noticed Mum had started my packing for me. I dozed off slowly wondering if anything had really changed or if it was all still the same.

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Well done for reaching the end of the chapter; as a special reward you can now review. Thank you for your time and patience. 


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